Procrastination.

Dammit! Curses to the internet for its wonders and beauty that one can't help but to just linger on its spaces. I have much to do yet have been procrastinating roaming on sites of the web. I know that as time passes by, I regret more because not only that my work remains undone, the stress piles up like whatever you can imagine being piled up. I so very much enjoyed the time when the internet at home had a down time. I could not use it for about two weeks and I can remember that that very two weeks had been very productive. I read several books and could do many things that I usually don't do because of spending too much time checking stupid notifications. Maybe it is time again that I shut down all my accounts so as to allow me to prevent myself from wasting too much time. It is a waste of time! I don't see the importance of 'getting connected' virtually because most go about minding their own vain businesses to not care about others. There is no connection in the first place except the filling of that lonely void in the heart that requires a notification to engage specialty. What have this generation become to depend so solely on being together but yet, never really together in heart. The fake fair disgusts me but I can't help but be a part of it. It has become a lifestyle. Probably to evolve into something much more less meaningful in the future. Now I regret wasting time here for I have loads to do. Ta!

Sayings.

Don't know where to start but I'll try, so here goes:

Work is fun. People are tolerable, well most of them at least. Most are nice, a tiny bit not. Have got a lot to do to prepare myself to take the huge forward step. Besides, all is good. The different bits of hidden characteristics are slowly coming out, so it is getting easy to identify the whats and the not.

100% agreeing with the saying 'respect is earned'. Some people are wondering why I treat them so bad yet I  remain silent. Nobody should expect cherries and kisses when they serve shit as a host. I feel sorry for these people for I also agree with the saying 'bitterness in the heart is shown on the face'. I walk around and I stare at them, waiting. They can smile, yes they can, but in splits of moments, you get to see their real faces which most of times resemble a face with a rotten fish by its nose. They should very much understand that not one action done, is without a consequence, and the consequence is to be faced, make it good or bad.

Shalini shared me a lesson that was taught during her school's Christian Fellowship meeting. I found it to be such a blessed revelation of how speaking in tongues can be very powerful as one concentrates upon the promises and the word of God. I am even grateful that I have seen its power in my life. Hallelujah, thank God!

Another agreeable saying is that 'one should not be living neither in the past nor future, for now is here.' We get nothing worrying about the future and living the past's regrets. Today's problem is to be dealt with with today's mind and not the mind of yesterday and tomorrow. When one concentrates on time, acknowledging the present, one's living would be very much fulfilling and pleasurable for even difficulties come taste sweet.

Need to do more reading and sightseeing. Ta!

Beliefs?

So the things which exist in this world supposedly said to have a role in one's life. How and why? Science has its limits but I wonder on the existence beyond the limits. Everything else which is unheard, unseen, and impossible to prove but can be recorded and observed in a pattern like structure. It amazes me of its accuracy but nonetheless, the gap of doubt is at large. Can this impossible wisdom be mastered and be applied to make living easy?

One Thousand Words.

A specific person comes to mind. How annoying he can be, and how much fascinated hatred I have against him. Disrespecting privacies doing as he please all in the wrong name. I hate people as such. Thinking they have the upper hand of doing all they wish because they believe it to be right. Because of people as such, I can dare say that the primary objective of their thought-to-be-good doings had turned around. I, as an example, am a case of being turned around and as I am finding myself heading down to where I came from, my contempt for them grows. Public display of a captured personal moment is a hard sin one commits to another. First up, when such a moment occurs, the victim is never always aware of such a capture else it will not occur in the first place for the victim will be against it. Damnation! I feel so angry for I am being let down, being strayed away because of simply a few stubborn headed fucks. Truth be told, that probably could be the main reason yet it could not be too. I curse the fact the younger generations are being brought up thinking the action to be fine. Well, I can only smile and sidestep their lives.

Damn!

The only word I seem to be repeating over and over again.

First of all, the drama is intense! Even if it is not about me, I get scared even thinking about the possibilities that can arise to include me. So thick the stench of hatred and revenge that my nose itches at the thought of it. What could have been the cause? Most importantly, whose fault is it? I don't know really as I have not heard the complete story from both sides. However, the thought that I could be dragged in this somewhat eternal warfare scares me. Whose side should I take? I certainly can't apply neutrality if ever I am to be in the battle. I don't know what to do. My heart goes out for both parties but still myself remains unaware of the proper approach to be taken. As far as I have learned, being myself and to keep it up at it will be the best justification in time to come to reason out my faults. I ache to know that one side is to be punished in what I see to be brutality to the soul, and I ache to understand the feeling the other side has. Gosh is this difficult! I wish I could be standing in the circle instead of on its edges so that I can study the full consequence of the matter and to pinch the experience along. God I pray I will not be involved or chances are, I will have to start digging my grave. However, I will not regret the actions I had taken though they may be wrong. Life is only one time, fuck and embrace the mistakes made.

What is there to be said? I thought I knew me but I guess I really don't. Since the start of work, I am beginning to lose the work I had placed much effort in these past few months. The work of getting to know myself better. As just as I was about diving into the depths of me, the drainage of energy that work takes out of me is tremendous and I had to resurface. My mind is unable to wander for now. When one tries uncovering oneself, one must face thoughts of all sorts, including those which can lead to depression. I hope that my effort  will not be in vain but at least save me the least bit of knowledge. I shamed myself in the trial I failed to converse today. What have become of me, and what is to become?

Damn. Should standards be raised and skin be thicken? I feel so because that appears to ensure happiness in my state.

My Unreality.

Not here today but over at Misery's. A bit too personal? 

In Between.

I had a full day today. Was tired through most of what I did but I pushed it through wanting to make the best out of it. I wish everyday would be as such. To have enjoyed and to have lived life was what I did today, which also happens to be my motto of living: to live life as it is. Purpose is nice, but can be ignored if everyday were to be meaningful. As I see myself now, the people I am connected with, the life I have been leading, knowing I had touched and have been touched in return; it is all too beautiful. Right now, before the screen, I am feeling contentment, a whole contentment on every bit of my life. It came by as I realized that I could do without my desires, I could do without perfections, I could do with hurt, and I could do with life. I accepted life and it rewarded my acceptance with this joy. How long this feeling would last, I do not know and I couldn't care less because I am glad to have even experienced it. To top it all off, the revelation is something practical that can be reachieved. Am tired and shall call it a day... a good day! Time says 10:48PM. Ta!

Sweet Sweet Times

Sigh. Just had a go through with Azril's 'High School Memories' photo album. As I recall each picture that I am familiarized with, I get sad inside thinking that those moments will never ever come back, neither can they be recreated. Fuck... how depressing it is to be filled with such thoughts. The crave of wanting more happy moments as how we had back then, this time, hoping that it would last longer and to never be forgotten. The friends... the bonds we shared between us. I miss those times. The times we used to have fun out of the simplest things, doing all the crazy things that we used to do, the pictures we used to take, the stuff we used to talk about. We were innocent back then but we enjoyed the idea of thinking naughty and acting mean. The joy of wearing a faded t-shirt and worn out jeans with dirty white school shoes to KL without even feeling ashamed or uncomfortable because we were too confident and at ease at the presence of each other. No where near were we concerned of our appearances except for the fact that wearing our uniforms could have possibly had the bus driver chasing us away from boarding the bus. I miss you guys. I extremely hate it how time took beauty and innocence away from us. The closeness you and I had still is beautiful in my eyes. How we could spend hours on the phone talking about life, crushes, friends, others, and laugh about sex. Among my biggest regret in life was to have caused you to leave me. I miss you dearly and I really love you as a friend. I would kill to have you in my life back again. Not just you, but the rest of ya`ll. To relive every bit of memory, and to be together once more. Though I spend time wishing and hoping, I know that those moments are but memories now and though we may be apart from one another, we shall always be connected in one way or another as we had touched each others' lives. I regret never to have expressed my appreciation and love for you, my friends.

Just To Stress Out

There exist stupid people in this world that you just don't want to be with them. They believe they own you, making the choices for you, and disliking it if you go against them. To people as such, I can only tell you to dig a hole in the ground as lengthy as you are, spare a few inches, and bury yourself. The world, my world at least, would be better off without such people. These are such of the stands that I am making and taking for the sake of my personal gain. Being around people as such, who expects a ton from you, yet giving no space for mistakes, can frustrate your mind and your soul. I hate the discomfort after a conversation with such people. They are not worth my time as the end product of the conversation are just hurt and damnation. At least if the end of a conversation leaves me alone feeling the discomfort, while the other is comforted, then I guess the sacrifice would be of worth. Else, no way in hell and I am to avoid such people.

Many without prior understanding or knowledge would have had it nicely and could even have thought it to be good but I, knowing, with an understanding of my own, felt otherwise. To lay out a matter as such is as personal as seeing a person in his or her nude. To enforce an outward expectation of acceptance of such an idea is rape in my opinion. People are finite yet some believe they're infinite based on the knowledge they think is sufficient for all to apply, and for all life to be in coherent to as such as theirs. I wish a respect of opinions would be rooted in such people for when an opposing personnel comes in the picture, friction and the support received would bring nothing but a hating disaster. I hope my mind is rooted too, to the fact that I don't know it all.

Dots.

Follow ups:

The girl who tends to behave inappropriately at work place is now much tolerable after I taught myself to accept her and to understand her.

I still am unable to listen to complains at the extreme so I tend to back away from conversations that might possibly lead to such sessions.

I am not thinking enough because my actions are still very much out of control of what I would want them to be.

I am discovering the various sides of my newly made colleagues. I dislike the fact that they treat me like an adolescent because of my age. Besides, I think I also do tend to behave like one at uncontrolled times (refer the top statement) so I should actually blame myself for it.

Well, life moves on and matters should be taken into fixations. 


I am beginning to learn much more about life and with such knowledge comes great power.


Overall view of people is that they differ from each other, as to how acceptance is to be crucial.

Quotes Copied From Priya's FB.

I tell you this story because I was raised the Chinese way. I was taught to desire nothing, to swallow other people's misery, and to eat my own bitterness. And even though I taught my daughter the opposite, still she came out the same way. Maybe it is because she was born to me and she was born a girl, and I was born to my mother and I was born a girl, all of us like stairs, one step after another, going up, going down, but always going the same way.
-An Mei

That bad crab, only you tried to take it. Everybody else wanted best quality. You, your thinking is different. Waverly took best-quality crab. You took worst, because you have best-quality heart. You have style no one can teach. Must be born this way.
-Su Yuan
... The Joy Luck Club

Achilles: You're still my enemy in the morning.
Priam: You're still my enemy tonight. But even enemies can show respect.

Messenger Boy: Are the stories true? They say your mother was an immortal godess. They say you can't be killed.
Achilles: I wouldn't be bothering with the shield then, would I?
Messenger Boy: The Thesselonian you're fighting... he's the biggest man i've ever seen. I wouldn't want to fight him.
Achilles: Thats why no one will remember your name.

You can never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view...until you crawl into his skin and walk around in it..'
-Atticus Finch (To Kill A Mocking Bird)

You either die a hero or you live long enough to see yourself become the villain.
-Harvey Dent

Let me get this straight: You think that your client, one of the wealthiest, most powerful men in the world, is secretly a vigilante who spends his nights beating criminals to a pulp with his bare hands. And your plan is to blackmail this person? Good luck.
-Lucius Fox

Bruce Wayne: People are dying, Alfred. What would you have me do?
Alfred Pennyworth: Endure, Master Wayne. Take it. They'll hate you for it, but that's the point of Batman, he can be the outcast. He can make the choice that no one else can make, the right choice.

Sometimes,the truth isn't good enough, sometimes people deserve more. Sometimes people deserve to have their faith rewarded.
-The Batman

Madness,as you know, is like gravity,..all it takes,is a little push
-The Joker

Scales of Justice.

What do we do with the truth? Does it not depend on the fact it represents? What do we do with the truth we feel people have the right to know? What do we do with the truth people have entrusted us with? What rights do people have of knowing the truth? What defines a right? When a truth, as like most other truths can hurt mans' ego, and is capable of tearing someone down, do we still share the truth? What is the boundary between truths that can be shared and not be shared? Remembering all the same that truths should be for all, why do we still choose to not express it? What do you think happens when an entrusted truth is shared out openly? Will not trust be betrayed? As trust is betrayed, will not truth hide itself from the public ear? When that happens, will not the world be out of sync with peace? Some ideas here are products of a class I had once taken. The world as we live in is of minimum trust. It is a wonder, that an unspoken, perhaps unaware fear, dense the atmosphere. Without trust, how can there be communication? Not interaction as the one which applies in our daily life, but the one which is the block builder of all relationships. When one breaks trusts, one breaks the walls of the relationship. The whole that had taken time and energy to build, crumples down with ease within the very second. People who handle the truth others had entrusted them with without much care should be punished severely in my opinion, though they will be eventually; one way or another. Perhaps the truth that people should know, truths that empower goodness in one's life, should be shared without hesitation. However, though I trust my instinct when it comes in delivering truths that may possibly hurt a person even if it to be beneficial, I wish that there exist a guideline into doing so. I believe anything can be mended with grace and forgiveness, but not broken trust. Maybe it can, just much less in my case.

Disembodiment.

I feel awkward at times of how things turn out to be. I wonder whether there is such a thing as complete control of one's self. There are moments of situations where we join the current of society and get carried away doing what others do, following and perhaps adding on to their actions. I humiliate myself at most times of such encounters. Perhaps the genesis of self control lies in the mind. What one regrets, is basely an act that one didn't think through clearly. Having said that, I now realize that I haven't been thinking my actions thoroughly enough before doing them. However, how does one change a habit that one is accustomed to? Like for instance, I often do these antics that seem crazy and random, with the success of getting the 'look' from people and also unwanted remarks. Then I think to myself, why did I just do that or why the heck did I just say that (if it was words that I had spoken instead of actions) ? It is as though for a temporary moment, my soul had disembodied me leading to an act out of pure stupidity. I pray moments as such never stop but come much less. If they stop, I'd then appear completely robotic and somewhat freaky. An act to be avoided cause then more 'looks' would be attracted.

I feel the need to be in pursuit of romance again as I find that passion comes at most in times of love. The working environment doesn't help in assisting me to meet the right one. Everybody comes and go so formally that the norm is too thick to be cut. Besides being young at such a place only attracts the opposite of my intentions. I feel glad to be the only one (or so I think) being under twenty in the entire building. I even laugh at myself knowing that I am carrying values supposedly to be left at school. When I see these elderly people, I nod my head in respect and smile, and am only a thought away to saying "Good morning teacher." Coming back, love, I find it around people and so seldom in them. My love I mean, for everyone yes, but for a certain someone, no. Certain someone, do come fast please!

WTF

Acronyms make good titles.

Well, today was a tad bit stressful for me and very depressing. As I can be a very sensitive person, harsh speeches upon me is just as bad as a slap across the face. There is a girl in the office who is very immature and lacks self control. Her words are sharp, her actions reckless, portraying her to be the most difficult person anyone can ever handle. I know that it is unfair of me to speak of her behind her back but that is the reality of whats going on. I know of her past, I know of her struggles, and I'm beginning to be aware of what a mean person I actually am by saying all this. I am supposed to be empathetic. I am supposedly great in acceptance. So shall I be. I shall forgive, forget, and consult. That's that.

Then there is this other who speaks without cease of anything that is against their own personal ideas, which bugs me. I can listen if a ear is needed, in fact, I like to listen. I could even say that I love listening. Well now that I have made myself clear of that point, I have to contradict me. Not for the first time, I got so fucking fed up of hearing complains that go on and on as if the world has no end. Wait, I am not saying that I don't like hearing complains because I believe in listening to all that one has to say as it is a vital step in understanding a person better. However, this person dramatizes complains as though it to be a stage play for the millions. The top paragraph need not be necessary if I didn't hear what I heard. Immediately after each word, I got more and more depressed, even till now. Probably it could be my fatigue mix frustration but all the same, I am pissed and bothered. I feel negative energy creeping on my skin which needs to be rid off before I fall back into another bout of depression. Forgive and forget I shall do, meditate upon peace that God can bring.

I just read a friend's status on Facebook that gives the idea of not thinking of one's problems to be big as others can have bigger problems. I disagree this entire statement. First of all, one should not think of a problem as to be big because no problem is big in general. Believing in the bible, what we are given, we are capable of handling. Why would we be given matters that we cannot handle? This is a topic that raises questions on every aspect imaginable, which I can think of many but unable to cover them all. First of, the human mind is complex but brilliant in every single way. Darwin would probably say that all creatures have natural survival instincts including man which I cannot agree more. This natural state along with the complexity of the auto functions of the mind, as say, the subconscious, is a cunning tool to overcome any challenges or problems that one may face. The question however is whether we choose to face the problem, or better still, whether we choose to accept knowing we can face it. Seeing it this way, no problem is big. It gets big when emotions tire us down or when we so mindfully compare our life with others. Another idea in the statement says to compare problems with those whom they think have greater ones to allow their personal problems seem smaller. Lets begin it this way, why compare in the first place? Us human live for ourselves but are responsible for each other. Our responsibility is not to compare but to care as each individual is set in this world for a specific purpose. The problems they face is an obstacle to their purpose, thus they face it knowing it simply to be a problem. Why should we label sizes to our problems when we should be seeing it only as problems? Every life is unique. What one may handle well, another can't. A starving African may handle hunger better than the rich, as the rich may handle politics better than the African. Nurture explains this. Thus labeling should be forbidden. I wish I could write this with more time on my hands, to allow me to research on materials and to allow my thoughts to race me an answer but unfortunately, I don't have much free time.

I want to write on different topics too but I'm dead tired. Time is 11:21PM. Ta!

PS: I have moved on over my former crush (yay me!) which means that it is time to scout again! Its about high time too that I be with someone for being single all this while had me losing the touch of being in a relationship.

OMG!

I think I could be on the brink of social warfare without even realizing my tracks getting here. I need to sleep this matter over and really think about it or I might be really doomed, and soon that is. Is it possible to support both sides of the battle? I used to think that it is indeed alright but now I am beginning to doubt that belief. It was as though I acted on a manner appeaser not caring the consequence. But, thinking back again, it wasn't my fault. Matters as such are rare and really unpredictable considering I knew not the proper facts. Far down the conversation did I then realize I was heading where I feel I am at now. I don't want to use this word, but fuck. Seriously. Right now the scene is just a peaceful meadow with sunshines, and butterflies and pretty pink flowers everywhere. There is a snake however at the far east side, and an eagle by the tree. If they are brought together, I fear my safety. Foolishly being the rabbit and befriending both the enemies, yet I regret not. My comfort has its limits. I believe it to be limitless but the vanity of others disallow me to exercise it to its extent. My my! I'm a soft cookie but with hard chocolate chips. I break but the broken pieces of me get stronger. I took this road, I shall travel this road. Outcome, whether horrifically bad or good, I'm still taking the experience with me. What don't break, will make. I'll double my concentration, tip toe carefully and pray for the best. I can either glide through, probably gluing fragments of others' unresolved matters or shatter and break my spine; which is all that I'm carefully not wanting to injure now: my name. However, truth be told, I thought meeting a complex being would be that of which that comes in a blue moon, but little did I know that they are all around. Why haven't I act sooner. Brilliant lives to explore. Hopefully in the midst of discovering, that which are broken, will be mended, and friendships reaffirmed. Wish me best, Ta!

Start of A New Life.

The moment the bus started moving, the music on my phone had shuffled to a Simple Plan track and it was one of those songs which has this rock like beat which makes you feel like jumping and tossing your head down up. I immediately felt the assurance that the day would be good as it started off with such a timely good kick. Arrived at the designated building about an hour later and I was all excited yet very much at peace. Then the day started off with the bosses and people in charge introducing themselves, followed by a brief induction on the general guidelines of the working environment. Quite a number of the bosses I will be answering to are from India and I took delight in hearing their accent. I'm just a bit afraid that if ever I make a mistake, and would be getting the lecture from them, I'd have a hard time keeping a straight face listening to them scold with their accent. In this department, we were told that we are the pioneering batch. Deep down, I was very pleased to hear that and am grateful for every bit of it. This means that I have indeed chosen the right job to start of with. This would be a huge stepping stone for future career plans as to be in the first batch of a newly started project is a fact worth boasting about in any resume. I feel quite proud of myself too that I happen to be the youngest person on the team. I was just telling dad that it was a miracle for me to have even gotten this job considering 'O' levels to be my highest education level and me being without any working experience (Starbucks not counted). The other newly hired colleagues of mine excluding Lydia and Sharon will be a great bunch worth discovering. Already have I noticed so many different personality traits that I can't wait to explore. After lunch, we were trained the basics and though the slight difficulty in understanding new terms, I think that I had managed to catch on fast. Only thing that bothered me the entire day was my sleepiness and hunger. I slept only for about two odd hours the previous night and ate nothing but two slices of pizza for the entire day, which happens to be the managers' treat for us, "Only for two-day ya!" accented Amit when we showed typical joy on getting free stuff.

What I realized when I got home as I allowed my thoughts to run is that this scene is sort of a wish come true. These past few months of coming in and out of depression had me wanting a new life to start over. Living today made me know just that. This is the very talked about working life. Life after this will be different before it hits plateau again. My lifestyle as I know it will be changed in the coming days as I get accustom to this new one. Hopefully all will be well. Boy I'm tired. Ta!

Changes in Distraction.

Its 1:45AM and I can't seem to sleep. Tomorrow will be the first day of my new job. Hopefully things will go well, but knowingly deep down, things will go well.

My newly bought book, 'The Alchemist' is by far one of the best I have ever read. I finished it in a day because it was a feel-good item to me. I am definite to read it again because going so fast at it the first time surely had me leaving out details. The author introduced me to a whole new concept of life and my imagination was stretched out far. The book had had a hard hit on me probably because of my fascination towards matters concerning religion and spirituality. Well, now that my eyes are opened to many new possibilities of ideas, I am very well to experiment with each and every one of them.

Now that the word is out, I figured that it would be harmless writing the following. I cannot believe myself in the first place to have fallen for you. I asked myself why and that little bit of soul searching I did gave me the answers but still, I have to ask more questions. Before I proceed, I shall share this little discovered bit first. Letting one know of your affection will leave you feeling less affectionate. I believe that I thrilled on the secret of this crush. Thus when the secret was revealed, the thrill deceased. What was once a guilty passionated pleasure is now simply an innocent fading emotion. Closed chapters has quicken the pace of me moving on, now knowing the outcome of what was once hoped for. The time between first knowing, and result knowing was enjoyable in a sadistic manner. Disappointments increase along expectations. I expected a lot given the impression, but every fail expectation was a stab directed to my heart. Expectation is false happiness, and when you crush happiness, you get sadness. Yet knowing that, I chose to expect more. This is a lesson I'm taking to heart because next time, I would be better at dodging unwanted feelings. So personally now,  I'm moving over faster than I thought I would. A crush, will be, but a crush.

This blog is my way of combating boredom and an output for expressive-creative energy. The stuff I post may seem random but each post has its own personal value to me. I treat this as the public diary of my thoughts. Your choice of reading does not concern me. However, I certainly appreciate your thoughts and you can share them with me by an e-mail to 91.darren@gmail.com. I have decided here onwards that I'd be typing using capital and lower case letters. It looks more appealing don't it?

The time is 2:21AM.