Ringlets Well.

What goes around comes around. I can shout, scream, tickle, fly, take a two full swing and shout goodbye to all of ever and of every and of evermore, be it forevermore. A cupid in the air arrowing his arrow towards whom he finds suited for the other. An innocent baby face, baby winged cupid flying in a club. Who would have thought it true? Then them cyber cupids with electronic cursors blasting the vacuumed air of cyber love. But shh, the name spoken to soon. Of singular asses and triple swings ending a one. Beautiful he is. She denies but he is. Now who's who and which's which! I'm then, again, on this edged brim. Intentionally made for coincidental chance. To fall and submerge inwards or to fall out towards freedom. The water rises high, flowing through it's legs, eyes, and it's hard exterior. The crab lies awake scuttling the soft beaded beach with no cares of the world or what lays ahead (aside, in this case). Then wham! Smack right into a bulky figure. Wise crab gave multiple thoughts with it's many legs; pincering the surrounding air as though in attempt to catch fluttering fishy ideas. Bulky figure held the crab. Ares, it's name. The Ram. A mad inter-species bond, yet uncommon. Ram of the sixth, and crab of the ninth, the one ruled strongly by moons and of the heavens. Far above the cliff smiles cupid, blowing the edge curve of his bow as though the assassination of unsuspected hearts was just an affair taken place one too many times. The wicked  schemes of angels, cupids, taking place. What was. What now. What then. Be ridden on the cornering beach expecting a million and one fortune of each other. What should be feared most is the path they now lead. The water dwelling shelled emotion and the fiery ruthless beast will have to watch the seasons to come. Fogs, come then now and here where the combined is depressingly sad. So be it. The crab scuttles a choice now, stay or stay no more.

Differing Them.

I can't:

I can:

-eat for my appetite is replaced with a different sort of hunger

-eat for my hunger for you is never satisfied

-drink for my thirst cannot be quenched by the physical

-drink for my throat longs your ocean sized affection

-dance for my feet had been chained by desires

-dance for my feet screams my fondness of you

-talk for my words reflect my emotions

-talk for my mouth craves your present

-sing for the pain of others become mine to share

-sing for that is how you know my heart

-breathe for my only source of air is one that comes from you

-breathe forever wanting to be with you

Yellow Burnt Crunch.

I being who I thought I should be of what others think of me. It means unknowingly being transformed by subtle signs of nature. They call this the dirty trick of the universe. A touch causing a rippling wave to all historical senses. Now to questions of desires; what is most that shall be wanted for the coming year? A resolution that would take on to completion or to fail in shame. I have a few plans shortlisted in order to achieve contentment or selfish happiness. Most of which includes a playful charm to viewers. Now back to the question on feelings shared with another. A touch so tender electrifies the body in some ecstatic pleasure. A flicker of tongue in the earlobe causes roaring splitting images of war-induced bees and birds with the symphony of lions by the river bed. This is very much a topic that would raise brows, be it left or right but it's a matter of factual truth. What the body yearns, let it be given with responsibilities attached. The difference between what is given and had been taken away is hard to differ though by it's nature, it's plainly obvious. Given is, that is willingly performed: executed: pronounced, yet taken is much of the mentioned but with a negative feel. Field. To bask in all glory of open aired success, triumphant with the mood of freedom. A habitat worth spending the remaining of breaths. Yet, a life without love is a life without living. I would certainly want to live.

Perhaps, Pattern.

After the necessary check of imagined possibilities and temptations that can possibly ignite from the dream of this all, it comes the time where that slightly unnecessary old hand grip on my shoulder tightens and reminds me that Depression never really did leave me; stooping low enough to mock my discomfort of everything that can be felt. This is what happens when much is being felt and less is being rationalized. When the balance of how balance should be is flipped randomly allowing the variety of damned chances to occur. That's my life. A crazy flipping chance that requires no more than a pop of this and that to allow the mind state to come to a halting rest. It would be peaceful. A release from the chains of a pattern or from the patterns of a chain. I wish I knew which is worse. Perhaps, to my confinement once more shall I retreat, alone. Or maybe, with an unwilling you. I back away cowardly, embracing the acceptance of disappointment being part of the air. We simply breathe it every second. No reason to deny the existence of my corrupted optimistic-fake public self. This shows well clear that I'm not who I am on the outside. When inverted, there will be a gap low and deep enough to let all misery loose.

When I Was Young.

I never needed anyone. So said Celine Dion. But in a way it really is very true. That feeling of perfect dependent upon your own self for the sole existence of being. Parents come in a part as the providers, carers and also comforters. But since the existence of time, humankind; people have been nothing but individuals. We and Us are merely illusions of unity that doesn't really exist. If so is the fact, what is the greatness of relationships? How can two souls be broken of their wholeness to allow the separation of each to become a new whole in completion. I don't understand yet I crave the affection given by that of a lover. The affection both mentally and perhaps, physically. Nothing comes close to it. Not even the best chocolates or deep fried foods dipped with cheese sauce. Somehow, this void has a mysterious sense to it. Of where it comes from and how it did develop. The fact that, once the pieces are done and pierced through the skin and flesh, the emotion eating disease will fill all that can be filled and will corrupt the entity of the entire self. This is love, and romance as famously known it can be. Stories are continuously being told and I long it's presence to my living once more. I can hear the doors being knocked as she is courteously paying me a visit. However, I'm contemplating on the possibilities of allowing the spectacular entrance. So, to this point, I just like you. Unimaginably.

Delightful Mixture.

Mama once told me to do what my heart says it's right. Heart says many things which is not to my liking, yet some to my loving. There is no in-between when it comes to the heart. It's either full out, or so in. So I venture in the mixture of this delicacy. A collection of blurred reasoning, scripted speeches and plain drama. All with the intention to rebel. This mixture, it doesn't froth and bubble like a burning cauldron, nor does it contain any essence of despicable body parts. It is simply, to put it in the simplest most graphically illusion-possible way, earth returning from the earth. It is like when you scoop a fistful of air out of the atmosphere, and swallow it down. You don't see any of it, but it happened. It happened because there was believe. I'm me because I am believing, in fact, I even lived. It comes down to this then; the creation returning to what was previously created. The earth flowing back to itself, willingly. The transfer of collected memories from the soul to the nothing. As nothing was the beginning, so shall the end be nothing. Whatever happened in the moment of 'through' doesn't really count, for the end is all that counts. The end of collected droplets of hidden pleasure, open joy and translucent dreams. Perhaps one may think, when will delight be in this picture? Experiencing delight is a choice. I chose mine, as we chose ours, as the earth chose the earth's. It is yet, the mixture that matters. Where will emotions be? Hiding in some hole in the brain, some hole in the heart. Hiding to avoid partaking in this hideously beautiful act. Act 1, Fin.

A Change.

I'm thinking of changing my name. I know a name isn't something one should get tired of, but truly I wish to be known as something else. I have the idea of ridding my unpleasant Chinese names (except my surname of course) and bringing in two love choices of names I adore ever so much. I won't reveal it just yet in case anyone thought of the want to be in knowing. Let's see how procedures work with the government. I don't even know whether I'd be up for the waiting, yet alone whether it is allowed at all, but I truly hope this change would come to past. Moving on, what's with the idea of Christmas coming by close and I'm getting excited of the little gathering that is currently being planned. I so would want to take a break from life and get a living out of with another. Rechercher des cœurs des princes. I want to open  presents which would reveal the future. Even if they come in the form of chicken bones I'd be most appreciative. The sadness of the world feels heavy right now on my eyelids. Sadness of the world being the truth of what we try not to/cannot see in our everyday lives. I see them sometimes, not as seldom as rainbows, but like the rain. Every now and then, it just pours down. We're like cups aren't we? So imagine walking cups collecting sad-water dropping from the heavens as they walk. Moving, moving on.

Hunger In Replace.

I'm hungry now. Meaning that my appetite is back. Passing mood swings of cornered sensitivity. Soaring ever so slightly above the ground. With the clock ticking fast, events move at a quicker pace. I fear that singular adverb. I keep saying the lack of my knowing twice times many, inclusive. Where the oceans are, so will my soul be. A running fluid never made for stillness. Movement is the key. Be it emotions or physical self. Imaginative of life possibly led. Brings haunting memories of a life once led. Leaves no space of present Time to linger. Tables and turning, and the meal is set.

Eject Button Let One Flee.

Confidence begins with 'so what if?'. I don't know how to say it. I can, but if it doesn't mean anything then it means nothing at all. Here I begin; that circling hawk still circles above me waiting for each moment to strike. Each moment is of every second I'm without the support of my emotional legs. So that was the wind, and here is the me swayed off and brought to a cliff. If the beauty can be pictured, it would be extraordinary. Colors of the wind, she calls it. Brought to a cliff where love is found in the form of a wolf. Howling, she howls throughout the picturesque scenery of the moon behind the cliff. What's even more of a better sight is her heart. Each howl heals her heart. She cannot contain her hurt, her happiness, her soul, her all. She has to scream and howl to release it back all to the world. She isn't strong to handle it alone. I am the cliff. I am allowing her to speak above my own authority. Which is the only reason why she has such a huge influence over me. I am the cliff. The running stream is my runny soul which seeps through my eyes. Have you ever witness a cliff shape-shifting into a bird? That's all this cliff wants to do. To run above himself from a created soul beneath the grounds of the earth. To sprint to the edge of himself, pass her howls, and to leap with no fear for the wind always favor birds. I'll then be lifted off far past the darkness above the clouds to a whole new meaning of beauty and freedom. I'll never have to see what I do not wish to see, the fixations of a cliff. I'll see new. I'll BE new. I'll be me. I'll feel once more. I'll flee.

Flight Attendant.

"When will my right shoulder be dusted of gold glitter?

When will shiny red stars be upon my head?

When will I slide down the rainbow's end?

When oh when will this ship take sail?

My patience can't wait no more!

Let it be now," I cry.

Such prettiness.

A Dream - Out and Under.

At the beach with mum on hilly green island - Went to toilet - Hiked - Aunt and her humble brother with two of his children stood by (the eldest and the youngest) - He lectured me as she held on to me, praying on my assumption - He boasted his earnings with ten kilo in his wallet as advised by me not to visit my neighborhood - Saw a guy running to the abandoned building chased by her and her behind him who boasts - Hiked of partial succession of much delighted Indian - Mum stood by observing in her batik nightie like an all knowing fog - Hiked - Absolute perfection of foreign text messages but lost of means - Hiked - A familiar face once rode above elevators - Meeting a kiss of suited pleasure, non-familiar whatsoever - Hit of awareness - Spies of 3 with walkie-talkie built in sleeves arise known danger - Flash images of recorded perversion made in perfect coordination and morbidness of utter succulency - Ran above the abandoned building and saw suited celebrities (Sean Connery and Pierce Brosnan) with champagne glasses of assorted cherries on the table, the other smashed on the ground - Ate a red cherry and of spoken humor - Laughter.

Somewhere in between or towards the end: Rode in a convertible beside driving Jay Hernandez and Negro girl at the back - Played with the roof - Big black car in front of us spun in a perfect ninety degree turn towards the right - A Negro guy with dreadlocks came out of it's sliding door and approached us - We wound windows - Negro guy had a fancy futuristic gun with a searching red laser - He shot me but there was no pain and no mark as I lifted my shirt to check my right sided chest, spy tricks on my assumption - Negro guy wanted to shoot Negro girl but she cursed him in Tamil much to his and our surprise - He left.

Well, Then There's You.

Alone; I walked and I walked. Under the rain, by stores, by people, by the strangling atmosphere of expectations and denial. It's difficult this life is. As was written well by her, we take up space on this earth. I feel I take much less space than others though. I just feel that way and it's unexplainable. I cannot understand existence, and destiny and how I wish I could match the dots of all these difficult-in understanding words. I owned the path. I walked with myself walking ahead first. I followed me and this had caused a strange sense of confidence knowing you're hidden behind yourself and nobody get's to see you yet say anything but they can, except it won't reach you. Only when I stepped in front did everything change. Voices with matching stares were all over and I was once more center stage of the proceeding trial of being everything but worldly. I'm trying I tell in my defense! But the jury has a thing against me. I noticed this. It's been awhile and I don't get why they feel that way about me but they certainly do. So this happens before the mirror of truth. In fact, all mirrors are of truth. Except I've seen one once in a restaurant where it makes reflected images smaller than they really are. BANG. I'm sentenced to a lifelong punishment of la dépression. Dead end on the left, and on the right. I go straight but the road never ends. I can't turn back or I'd get lost. I can choose to sit or stand here but that requires more guts and I'm not quite ready for that yet. Open the doors, open all of it. I would like the chance to choose my practice, my entrée. Note to self, choices are never really ours. They belong to the world, from the point of creation because everything is touched. It's the ripple effect. We make up what was made up in the beginning. I just know it but it's best if such things are left unsaid. Now as for the title, it's bothering me. She. You. All the same. Just one big happy sadistic family with me playing victim. Girl you're right right now, and I just want to be what you want to be; happy.

Then I Thought.

"To : Them Who Do Not Appreciate Good Fortune

May you suffer.

From : The One Less Fortunate"

Well, I was thinking, and I thought... But. Sigh. Where do I begin? -Five seconds- Okay. I'm very much confused right now. Firstly, it is now six fifty two in the morning and I was awoken by a nightmare so real I thought it actually did happen because it felt like it did, when it then did. The last few moments I spent in fuckland dreamland had me running cowardly, with the loss of being upright sense, towards my parents' bedroom before hopping onto their bed and cuddling into my mother's arm. After my wake, I picked my favorite only pillow, and my phone (why phone? I don't quite know)  and walked towards my parents' and slept on the floor by their bed. Fuck to what nightmares can do to the soul. I laid myself down staring anywhere but at the door, afraid of what might be following me. After about give-and-take an estimated twenty minutes did I then question myself several answers; why now? why more? why me? Questions in the form of answers, if you get what I mean. It hit me that this is reality, and reality is a place where only real things exist. Things with substance, things with matter. Thank you shallow scientists. So right now, I sit trying to be cosily comforted on a steel chair. My thoughts are still hovering above like clouds, and the danger of my nightmare is beyond the distance like stormy clouds. The terror of the every now and then lightning, followed by the after few seconds grumble of gods, and the color; darken of death. Involuntarily, my tears volunteer to race down my cheeks. This is of difficult times I keep telling myself. Just to end with the start of truth; then I thought.

Without The Surface.

Nippled cheeks and dimpled breasts, come along through the fest. I think that once twice is just one time too many. I can't find my thoughts. They're all over today and not even that form of meditation works. I'm more interested in holding on to a firework and to imagine myself being rocketed to the heavens with Katy Perry's Fireworks popping the soothed background. Okay, I can't do this. Ta.

Hendak Ke Mana.

Jadi saya pun tertiup oleh angin bahasa terhingga ingin menulis dalam bahasa negara saya. Saya memang  tidak tahu apa kesimpulannya dalam makna kata hidup. Pada setiap destinasi yang telah saya sampai di dalam cerita masa ini memang cuma memeningkan kepala saya. Cerita yang kian saya baca mempunyai jawapan yang haruslah diberi perhatian jika ingin menangkap erti perenggannya. Secara jujur, empat kaki atas tanah memang tidak mencukupi untuk mencapai keseimbangan naluri dan keinginan. Jika ianya dipanggil keinginan, keinginan itulah bagaikan kepak yang mempunyai hidup jiwa sendiri. Walaupun berkaki-kaki memijak lantai supaya tidak senang digerakkan, kepak ajaib ini akan menaikkan seluruh badan jauh atas ke langit lalu mengenakan perasaan yang pekat ketidakpuasannya. Tiada apa yang boleh dilakukan untuk selamatkan diri. Oleh itu, pengorbanan adalah satunya jalan keluar. Kepak kejam haruslah dikoyakkan dan dipisahkan daripada badan. Jarak diantara langit dengan bumi amat ketara tetapi hasilnya cukup berbaloi. Deminya, semua pun telah diberikan. Tiada apa yang boleh menghentikan fikiran hati untuk berpatah balik lalu kakinya bermara ke hadapan dengan penuh keghairahan. Saya tidak inginkan semua ini. Keinginannya mahukan saya. Pertukaran subjek dalam minda tidak lagi dikawal oleh pemiliknya sendiri, tetapi oleh yang berhendakkan tinggi. Ke mana jua lagi?

A Stretch.

I've hit the planes. Stretch of horizon with nothing but nothing everywhere. We tend to not appreciate those times when we were down at the valleys or even high above mountains. We don't appreciate simply because at most of such moments we never realize where we actually are. So right now, with all the emptiness going on, I once more am finding and looking, and searching hard for an output to release energy whereas an input to incubate passion. What's life when either one of the two puts isn't present? So I've had my interview for the promotion and I thought I did okay, but in my world, okay is never good enough. There were many instances I wish I did not hold back my tongue. I did however, speak freely with brutal honesty throughout the entire interview. There comes a time when the mind can just shut off from all cares of the world, thus the planes. Whether I get this promotion or not, I don't quite care. My mind weighs both the option and I'm in favor for any outcome. Let's leave it to God to see what best fits me. As for the management of this department, it took me four months to learn what I know now so all I have to say is, I'm squirming my way out of my own grave. Hitting this strange plateau state of both the mind and heart is challengingly familiar. It feels very deja vu, like I've seen all this before but I cannot quite recall when exactly. Forward. So life moves on; with us living it with fake illusions of the future and haunting wonders of the past. Nothing can be done but be done in this moment itself. Strange, how unemotional I'm sounding right now in my inner ears. It's so not like me but everyone deserves a break from being themselves every now and then.

The Search of Winds.

This time for real. I suppressed bubbles of hopes and expectations way down south in the box between my diaphragm. They did put up a fight though, trying to surface back up. You know how bubbles are! Well, I'm really glad I finally understand how to put out such flames of passion. An idea is to break yourself, for your desires and passions are of your own. Once broken, everything changes and a new form is created. Come to think of it, falling off that cliff isn't such a bad idea after all but the twirls of aching feet did hurt. I doubt I would ever meet my sort in this world besides her. Yet again, being a double in both of my age and experience makes me know for sure that a chance of meeting really have more meaning than I believe. Who ever first thought of coincidence? Must be them lacking in serious beliefs of the greater unseen force. Scientist, for sure. Yet we're all tempted to sin that thought every now and then for we do not know it all:

The Black Doll Angel

Circling the atmosphere with grace,

Grace comes in subtlety and might,

Might with stricken chosen force,

Force of temperaments and sin,

Sin fearless of consequence,

Consequence of every act,

Act as how a life is led,

Led by days darken of the,

The black doll angel.

Yet, in soot I still desire to be covered. In dirt shall I find my peace of mind in terms of removing your mask where the genesis of soul exist. The box with a keyhole releasing bubbles failingly, as the search of winds.

Ate My Mind.

Left for Mid Valley at nine this morning with Azril, Lydia and Maria. I bought 4 shirts, and a perfume. I actually paid half for the perfume because of the vouchers I received for being one out of two best agents at work. Overall, I enjoyed this time of shopping very much and also the latter, where we had really good food at Tony Roma's. After Mid Valley, we came back to Seremban to change before heading to Port Dickson for a short dip. Wait - I can't do this. I'm just not in the mood of talking what I did today. I don't quite get the end of the day though, which is after a 4 hours karaoke session. Something happened within the group and there was a display of attitude which is definitely not to my liking. I seriously thought all the dramas had been dropped when we decided to unite again as friends. Why don't some people just appreciate these moments because for a fact I know that they will not last! Nothing fucking last. I waited far too long for this yet so soon can I already smell the decay of separation. I do not want to go through it again. See it, please. That as much as change is inevitable, don't surrender to it. Have you not learned anything from Sheryl Crow's Fight For This Love? Maybe the spots on a leopard really do not change and selflessness taught only by absence. To add to this cup, my longing for you has unfortunately been increased all the more. The economics of passions and desires. This really is a very complicated emotion that I myself am unable to understand and control. It makes me weak and I despise feeling powerless. I'm chained so strongly to it I feel hatred building despite it's opposite. Which could probably explain why doors wouldn't budge. I can think of a million songs to sing right now. More to add, but I think I'd stop here. It's pointless, I find this is. Humanity takes comfort in lies. I take comfort in all this hatred. The joy of ending a joyous day in stark rage. Fuck.

O I C.

So I've been reading what was previously written on this blog and had realized that my style of writing had changed dramatically ever since the start of this blog and my other. I don't quite understand how such a change could occur. Will by reading works of different authors affect one's way of writing? It could probably be true. Even so, I feel that ideas would be influenced, but language and personal structuring of the bodies of sentences will somehow differ than anyone else's. I like it so much more with the back-then style of writing compared to the now. It could also be because of the situation that I am in. I know for a fact that I choose words carefully to prevent others from actually identifying me. Though as mentioned in the previous post that all matters are laid out, they are mixed like a jigsaw. So, do the put together and you will be able to see it clearly then. I'm thinking of making the posts on this blog to resemble something like a photo album. This would definitely make sightings easier and less of a bore. I definitely see change now.

Helping It.

Yes, I cannot. I don't think anybody can. A post was dedicated to my trusty journey-written car-notepad. I want to wrench what was written thrice mostly everywhere I can lay my thoughts down. I do not know. I feel this constitution of emotions can no where be correct, so to speak. I will not use my favorite 'P' lettered word. IT has appeared too many times over the entire tight-expense of creativity for this blog. I will not, and of course I can't, not. I have been listening to two songs especially for the entire day, along this entire week. Bruno Mars', Just The Way You Are and Lady Gaga's Monster. With the both of these songs up in my head, it is almost impossible to rid unwanted thoughts. Hence the depressed state of wanting the impossible. I praise perfection singing his song, and demand attention singing her song. It is sad, truly. Because upon the playlist being on repeat, helpfully, I cannot assist myself in being saved from this wretched state. I can again, once more dwell into playful goth stories of murderous fairies but what's the point. The picture I no longer have to paint, for the gist would probably have been gotten far back at the start of this colored cup. My nature is not to be hidden on my blog, it's bare. I'm bare. Over all pages spread upon floors of experience, I lay nude. That serious. However, my pose is to be found difficult in understanding. Nude, I may be, but the intention to stay secure remains. So, words flow beneath layers of metaphors and personified appetite; my hunger for la mort and l'amour entwined expressively for the purpose of solitary confinements and, control. So I sing,

"You are amazing just the way you are, eating my heart. You are a wolf in disguise with brilliant demands of being stared in the eyes. I've seen you before; your hair, your nails, your laugh, you are amazing just the way you are; a monster!" 

One Love.

Title sounds familiar? Well, after all, I adapted it from that very famous David Guetta hit. Honestly, I am feeling quite drunk as I'm writing out this post. So let this night begin, I was driving following Kenn to his place from Mid Valley (again but not anymore, I know where he lives now), where he slowed down at a traffic light before we had to turn right to his place. I was following a Lexus Harrier by the way, and these big machines travel fast and are able to break well too. I slammed on the brakes as I saw him stopping for the red light, and my little Jo skidded for about ten meters landing to an inch away from Kenn's rear. The screech was unbelievable. At a moment like this, I very much believe in mythical banshee like creatures waiting by roads and taking every opportunity of skidding cars as such as mine to allow them come to life by screaming. Just so you know, nobody was injured in this whole Hollywood stunt making process so let's skip to the fun parts. This time, we had a bottle of Jenke wine (with me drinking most of this red delight), before entering the club. Upon entering, we settled for a tequila shot each. As you would have probably guess by now, I have absolutely no (being not racist whatsoever) Indian blood in me. Hence, being drunk very early. The best part about this club we were at is the  fact that it is well known for socializing. I met so many people (a fresh face, as usual, says everyone) but Alexis and Zan come to mind most. We danced with each other having people coming to greet us by our names and later turning to one another asking, 'Who the fuck was that?' and the both of us would answer in agreement simultaneously, 'Even meeting new people, you'd never remember them when you're drunk!', and then ended up laughing. This time, I know I shouldn't be admitting this proudly but I kissed a hot Vivian. Not that I know of any un-hot Vivians. Moving on; I met so many familiar faces I wish I could pull back my acquaintanceship with. Bodies were literally moving profile pictures of Facebook. They were all there! They being all whom I had ever stalked. Great night it was, being as it always is, and I hope, will be.

Overturned Bowl.

This speaks of the little section you see on the right where I had described a little bit about me. I feel that my bowl is now being filled right up to it's brim. I'm losing security. I'm losing self. I'm retreating back to that really far away cave which I believe no one knows where at. There, I know I will be able to lose myself once more fully to what's left of my thoughts and to hibernate my emotions. I need to regain that control. Right now, I'm not wheeling this ride, but my desires are, be it flesh or soul. So this bowl now, I realized, is filled with the wrong (now I mean wrong) fillings. What do you do if you mistakenly had gotten yourself a bowl of salt water whereas you wanted apple juice? As for me, I'd flip the bowl over at the sink, and watch it be drained. I'm stooping a whole lot more than I usually do. I do not understand the concept of this conception and that irritates me. I'm not in control and that irritates me too! I pleasure the control I have upon my own life. Easy way maneuvering upon the less traveled road, the empty path. Little did I know, what appears empty isn't really, but an illusion of a journey's start. Fairy netted me again, the bad fairy. You would know la misère, you were there with me the last time. She lures first, curling her hair, it's always the hair she tempts me with first. When I close in upon her, she tosses a handful of earlier prepared poudre aveugles to my face. This is a cunning concoction with absolutely no chance of deflection. It blinds eyes. It impregnates passions in the body upon inhalation. It allows the fairy now, to stand back, and watch me as I twirl around in ecstasy with aching feet before I'd fall off the cliff, to countless bodies below. And so then both me and you would know, we were never alone in this whole affair. It takes two.

Crux Dépression.

On the edge of this seat, Waiting a scare, That'd push me off. She came to me, Curling her hair, She pulled me off. He found me, Twice and soon, And so I'm off. I'm lost once more, A sound adore, Whispers soft. Do you see? The I in me? All gone, left none. 

Goat, Non Pas de Deux.

Di mana dia,

Anak kambing saya?

Anak kambing saya,

Yang makan daun talas.

Uh huh! But I know. Of course I do. I take comfort in knowing so knowing all, I shall. As I work this post, I'm inspired by other no-tells so to them, they shall proceed to Que La Misère Se Glisse. Now that's huge of a hint I can ever give to those who are searching my mind, part of my heart. So shall the body in me crosses his fingers.

"It blinds imperfections. Infinitely times Loreal's best concealers, let's not speak Maybeline's or Cover Girl's for a fact." - Twitter

That's my take on what I find love to be. My ideas no doubt probably differs from the rest but as the one who-parasites-attention had said, 'Me, I shall be,' obviously after a touch of my taste. Just so you know, it gets even random, for I'm torn between what I could share here and balance over to the other. I find this a great time of major self discovery. Vanity meter rising, but not on my own accord. It's an act of helplessness knowing the unknown. Hopes. That's what they call it. I call it a dream. For you don't see many a dreams coming true lately. Till the time destiny, or perhaps fate says, "We've been teasing his patience for some time now, so let us give him manifested desires." Then shall you see my lips curving, midpoint down below gravity. Even miss little dancing ballerina, starts her confusion dance once more.

Somebody Stop Me.

I'm addicted to my blog, I'm writing more than usual these days. Reason being below, don't look down! I'm feeling like a teenager (oh shit, did I just say that!). I have taken many responsibilities upon myself that I feel very much adult like. Blaming the I in me for ever wanting to grow up quicker. This is my last teen year, nineteen that is. I'm heaving sighs of regret to all the things I wish I could change. All of us have many, don't we? Those saying no, brilliant that you practice the art of acceptance. I understand it, but I like wells better. Long vertical sympathetic ones. Uh! Now time. I, consciously feel that I'm running out of it. This cannot be explained, like the essence of certain feelings. I keep telling myself, pause - imagery of a pair of white spectacles tickled me for a moment, resume - telling myself that I'm just having some hormonal issues, ever heard clinical depression? Here's a poem since nobody stopped me;

What Seen Saw Came.

Oh Charlie St. Cloud, thou art heaven to my eyes.

Stars maketh thy eyes, 

Orbiting rings thy halo,

And universe, thy mysterious self.

Oh Charlie St. Cloud, taketh me now;

Forever shall our peace be held,

Forever shall favor be-rested upon me,

And forever shall, my name be called.

Oh Charlie St. Cloud, picketh my chin.

Tickle my ears, tickle my eyes.

Find seers, speaking wise.

Hold thy love, thy lover rejoice.

For those going what the fuck, please do stop. I merely am trying to express myself. I am waiting by the bus stand of the road to Mount Heureux and I think I might have seen the bus far out the horizon. Finally!

Here's The Gist.

Just so you know of course. I'm bad at it (You'll be seeing many 'its' if you carry on reading. You'll just have to keep guessing what 'it' means. Even then, you wouldn't really know if you had gotten 'it' right). Well, once upon a time, it had happened and it stayed that way for quite some time. Then it happened again, not so long however. More its came by but they stayed even shorter gradually decreasing with the increasing number. All the more, I feel the shorter it is, the harder it gets for me. I keep my its short and simple. But it takes so much effort to do so and it is really difficult. It takes much mental power and also sacrifice. I don't get why it happens to me, this it. I believe that there's a pattern to everything. A thief will always be a thief, as a sinner never really get's wholly clean, so to speak. So what is this pattern like? I draw a line, a curvy one as to how time is, joining them its together. I see no pattern! Perhaps, yes, one-two its happen to be similar, but what about the rest. I started the time to my biological stop watch, the one below the pituitary gland, to see how long this it would last. I'm guessing long because there are many wise sayings to it. However, I could be special and I have my fingers crossed in my pockets, one left and one right (so no one sees, genius?). But we both know, that as to how a deck of cards is dealt on the table, leaving the last card in hand, you could already guess it being the Ace, of spade, should it not come 51 hands earlier. I don't see it coming any closer to reality. Magic, as much as I wish existed, it doesn't. Miracles too. So it won't, too.

7 Hecks.

1. What the heck is wrong with Facebook? Just when there are plenty of notifications yet to be responded that it glitches much to my annoyance.

2. What the heck is wrong with these bite marks? Why won't they ever leave and why the heck are they still itching?

3. What the heck did that hairdresser do to my head? I'll make him swallow my pubes for shit because I look hideous now. Claps for a good kung-fu styling head massage though.

4. What the heck did that guy say such a thing for? Once more, mind your own fucking business people. Yes, to that hypocrite of a slut too.

5. What the heck is wrong with me to have acted on such foolish grounds? Lesson learned.

6. What the heck happened to me? That I know, but not saying here.

Lucky number:

7. What the heck, o` what the heck have I gotten myself into.

Pas Nouveau, S'il Vous Plaît.

It's back. That dreaded state of depression. Truly I cannot help myself. If you think that by thinking positive and by occupying time with activities to help shift thoughts would work, well I'm here telling you that it doesn't for me. Let me try to describe what I feel. Hot major discomfort at the throat, eyeballs hooked to invisible weights behind the mind, needled feet, and a soar gut. Physically it feels that way. Lighter too, for you can only dream of what's left of the little weight I have, seen on scale. That's right, I too, wonder where my appetite had gone to? Emotionally, my heart thumps and pumps turmoil to all cells of my body. I feel so restless. I thought that by working late hours along the entire week would help, but it doesn't. Nothing works! Work does not even require much attention as once familiarized with the routine, autopilot mode can be activated. I once again, ignored that inner voice and had gone against it, fulfilling my own personal set of desires. How did that help? It only did in adding to the existing pile of rocks already stacked on my shoulders. La mort, I dream of thee. Do not speak, do not touch, do nothing but ignore. I constantly fail at it too. Only way right now to escape this island of mental torture is by moving to an island (literally), and of course, la mort.

I Popped My Balloon.

You hear people speaking of 'bottling emotions' up and to have a filled bottle is bad. This doesn't sound dramatic enough for my sweet usage so hear me out. I feel that 'bottling up' should best be replaced with 'blowing balloon'. Here's the picture, imagine a balloon. Think of it's rubbery texture and to how it expands when air is exhaled into it. The bigger the balloon gets, you can see it's skin stretching wonderfully making it look more tough than it really is. That's how I had feel when I popped. The more you blow into this balloon, with your misery and sorrows, you are actually developing a brilliant hard exterior which seems to be giving you super powers to have great emotional control. I had this great emotional control going on within me. I could choose my emotions and could flicker away anger and sadness from the tongue. I thought this brilliant knowing all I need to do in order to keep this power is to just keep blowing. Remember the balloon. It looks tough with it's stretched skin, but really, it isn't. I was driving back home from work slightly past midnight when my balloon freaking popped. I cried so violently and I screamed the hurt (assuming that when a balloon pops, it can feel the pain, and the pop is pretty loud). Random thoughts flew out of me, and they buzzed around my head like flies, irritating yet reminding me all the same of all that had happened. It took me half hour of yells and tears to have actually picked another balloon from my spare, regaining composure as I started blowing once more. It's a drug really. You know of it's power, yet knowing it harms you all the same, but you just can't help yourself. Oh well, poppity pop!

Wet Wheels.

Title sounds a bit dirty, am I right? Oh well, I couldn't/refuse to think of anything else so it will have to do. Never have I gotten so drunk in a club before that I could not remember half of what had happened that night. So I went with Kenn, and we ended up being cheap by getting drunk in the car before entering the club. We had Absolut Vanilla Vodka, and a bottle of white wine. Here's an advice to all those who have never tried drinking both these drinks together in a mix; DON'T! Damn hell, I entered the club in a cat walk, not because I was trying to be sexy but I couldn't walk straight, that I actually walked like a freaking cat. So I danced the whole night, flirted, kissed without remembering (the horror!), nearly tumble down the staircase, actually falling flat on my ass dragging a friend down, and screaming vulgarity, oh and, the same ol` finger down the throat routine. Really it was so much more fun than to how it is sounding right now. So I made new friends, really good people who actually took care of me, despite the fact I cried randomly, tripping over myself, and all that stupid talk. I ended up driving around the entire of KL (drunk, and at 40 kilometers per hour) trying to find my way back to Seremban but somehow ended up at Mont Kiara. So Zach came to my rescue, to a car parked by the side of a bus stand, with it's driver sleeping barefoot, not forgetting to mention, lacking sanity. That's that. Certainly won't be going back to that same club anytime soon as I certainly had made such a lasting impression.

We Get The Last Laugh.

What's worst is the fact that she is being so desperate. She bitched about all her friends, she cursed them, and she lied. Once more, the council has gathered around and had played what was recorded of her filth. They laughed. What else can they do? She walks with her head so high and mighty, even at her humblest and at her moments of apology (which I know, is a fake put on show), she still had that sense of righteousness that in my assumption, she will never let go off. Or more that, she cannot let go off. Because what has been going on right now is that she can't shake the demons off her. They will slowly get back together, the hopeless of crowds. They know for sure now that they're a bunch of people that will be shunt over shit and urine for their attitudes cannot be helped. The fact that they could stab and murder their own friends' behind their backs thinking that it's alright to do so because they feel angry. Well fuck you! Get a damn fucking anger management class. She personally bitched my back so hard that I get condemned and being looked down to. Now look where she's at. Crawling to my toes literally begging me to be friends with her. Forever, my compassion gets the best of me and I was not able to screw her damn face. Instead, calmly, I said, no. So, moral of the story is, watch your tongue. Words spoken cannot be taken back, and walls have ears.

Just This One More.

Another post before the hour ends. Let my friend melancholy take over this one. I have had very disturbing thoughts lately. First of death (as usual). Second of age. Third of life. Perhaps I should speak of them in the reverse order for then would it make more sense. Now this life, I see it as a tissue. You use it to wipe your nose or anything for that matter, before you dispose of it. But the world is such that tissues are meant to swipe the dirt of something. I want to keep my tissue aside and I would like to separate it's pieces. Then toss it above the winds and being them, watching them, then fly everywhere. Here's the catch, I have only one chance of letting the wind catch it, because if the pieces fall, they fall to a hundred times gravitational pull. Age, remontant toujours. Which is another hard to swallow fact for me. I woke up one morning realizing eleven months had passed since welcoming two thousand ten. How the fuck did I let slip the months. What happened to my awareness of time? I am nineteen, with it being remontant toujours, what am I to do? I'm scared to be honest. I expect and half hoping number one would come sooner. Death. I fear it, yet it intrigues me. Do we disappear into nonexistence? Do we then go to a 'good' or a 'bad' place? Or do we remain alive yet boxed up a flight? A colleague mentioned a movie to me, summarizing it to be a secret organization torturing people with nipple clamps and nails in the skull, all with one goal; to get a better view of what comes next. I feel so tempted to do same. I'm skeptical and I can't help myself to wonder what really does come next (sue and bite me you bitches with gasping jaws). People live their lives with everyday concerns of not knowing their meals, figuring fashion, drawing futures, but here's mine. Tissues, remontant toujours, and the end.

Go Sees.

I feel very much like Samantha from Sex and the City. Don't bother asking why, for I'm not telling. Ground fact is, the world has become so much in love with appearance that inner beauty is somewhat folklore. Trying to withhold myself here from spilling too much, but that is the truth. If you don't look it, you ain't got it. Nobody cares much on what goes on in the heart and head. As long as there is beauty, everything else can be looked over. Those who go after depth are them who know this fact, and will not settle for anything less. Desperation kicks the womb when people are jolted by the fact of being a-to-the-lone for the rest of their lives. Such people are them who settle for anything, lucky for those who get non-less. It's a shame really. A post of compliment to her worth the take back as she could talk her walk, but that talk being an utter of a syllable. What can I expect when deep down I knew the coming. Indeed 'me' am right, not I. For I chose my thoughts over intuitions. Finality of this chapter takes place soon, knowing that fake farts will always be as such. Themselves not knowing, myself not telling.

Flee Nose Flee.

I'm feeling absolutely sick. I woke up with my throat feeling so soar, with a blocked nostril and had been sneezing the whole day. Right now, I feel like I'm traveling on this sick mobile, and am going to pass the border of feverland. Gosh! I have been wanting to lay down my thoughts for some time now but never really had the chance of doing so as I have been pretty busy with work. Somebody please scream workaholic. I've been doing nothing for the past few months before actually getting this job that I had plenty of stored up passion and energy seeking an output to release it all. It's always that much short of a time marriage to whatever it is that I'm doing. There's so much I have realized about myself, so much I wish wouldn't change, and some which would. However, this maketh the me, no? And once more, change is inevitable. Fuck I don't know, I wish I do. So how am I? I believe I'm currently in an emotional/ mental turmoil. Everything is chaotic up here at it's peace. Only when the chaos starts does the peace finally sets in. Some would get what I'm trying to say, others, go ponder. Right now, I wish I could give my mind a break and to not think too much. It really is draining all goodness, as I'm always left behind feeling the drain of happiness and that hovering cloud of depression. As much as I wish to put it all aside, I wish that I find another who is as disturbed as I am, that we may share thoughts of great depth. I met a person as mentioned, and she is brilliant. A radiator of good aura and a double of my age. Caught up by chance, and spoke of minds. It was a one half hour of satisfied sharing I have not quite had in a pretty long time. Perhaps, I shall start knocking on doors. Moving slow, and with much caution, as always, but nevertheless, moving.

No Peace.

My fault really for wanting to use the Internet so badly coming to this cyber cafe at one-ish in the morning with the idea of having to go to work tomorrow along with the noise these my-race-of-people are making, playing what I find to be unproductive silly online games (which I used to play too). Plus the idea of seeing children here also taunts my judgemental left eye into wondering what's left of the sane. Creepy crawly spider up the neck... I shan't speak nor linger here more for the sound of closing shutters of the cafe and the idea of being with this group ain't my cup of tea.

5 Top Wants.

I saw Adreanna having this and so I thought I should have one too because she is like so cool like oh my gawd. Well, here goes:

#5. Consume much books.

#4. Learn several languages, mainly French and I'm surprise we have this in common Adre but I have been wanting to learn sign language for some time now.

#3. Do everything that can be done around the world.

#2. Find love, that would last.

#1. Die peacefully at a ripe old age.

And It Crawls Back To Me Again.

I need a pause button for life. To basically get things sorted out before they fall into ruins again. At the moment, there is much that I wish to tell but none can be mentioned right now because my brain is in such a mode that it rather just put a full stop to whatever that is occurring up there. Cameron trip was a-okay! Once more, I learned new things about myself, made new friends, and lost parts of myself too. That sounded very horrifying but true it is. I think I might have left something of me up that mountain which I can't seem to know what because... well just because. Once more, I have fallen into a daze of confusion. Nothing new there. Curiosity always gets the best out of me and Priya should know more of this. Then there was the visit to the orphanage which was really an eye opener and an awaken called desire. Met more friends there whom I wish they would experience the abundance of love. What else, then there is work. I turn myself on autopilot and simply glide through days without much difficulty though at times I am personally required to make checks on how things would turn out to be. Depression; please note my hint of sarcasm as I thank you for coming back into my life. I got distracted for several moments but at least you did allow me to carry on as I please for that two months just standing by watching me. Else that, everything is on the ground.

Reasons To Smile.

I am so pleased to know that I am not alone in this matter. It's a major sort-of relieve and huge amounts of feeling good. On the way back from the terminal, a favorite techno song was playing in the car and my mind temporarily wandered far off with crazy ideas of all sorts. I can only imagine what our minds would be like if we could control the flow of logic interference to our creative side. Besides that, memories tickle me at every given chance of thought. I am feeling happy and hence, the smiles.

A Little Bit of Sunshine.

"People have ideas of so many bad stuffs. Where's the good?"

Such As A Finger and Throat.

I supported you when you were called a bitch. I said otherwise. I helped you through matters not of my concern. At the end of the day, you turn to my face and say what you have said. You truly disgust me. It is a wonder you were even called a bitch in the first place by your close friend. Practice what you preach honey for eyes are on you and words spread faster than wildfire. As for the one beside you, the stench of fucks hypocrisy is fatal to my soul. Shame on you for bearing such beauty for inside your depth is of a puddle. I cannot take this anymore. A major masking crowd. I'll stick a finger down my throat to purge ye filths out of me.

Thumbs Up.

She rocked it out. Little can you expect from those who seek fame for themselves, who speak highly and profusely of their piousness. It came in highly unexpected. Caught me off guard it did. Nothing much from them who speak and have the impression of their shoes being good. She, of little less words but much more concern had captured me at my weakest with my defenses down. Truly was I amazed and I was in frantic search of words to reply. I say, well done to prove that the tails are indeed the heads and the heads shame upon their acts. Boy I just love what I know now and have seen. It taught me well this circumstance did. I'm all smiles.

Goals and targets are fixed. Colors changed to fade in contrast with their begins. I like this. This being the truth coming out in the open like a peeled onion. Hidden at it's very core, savoring each moment as one tears open its layers to attain treasure. I need courage and more. Perhaps a delicious stuffing of suited vegetarian cuisine. Ah, perfectness. The backward embrace and flow through of love. I doubt anyone would be able to spot treasure beneath these written onions.

I smile, for now and to come. Each day with plenty of surprises. Maybe not really surprising but you can make them to be. If you knew you would be thrown a surprise party, yet still pretend not knowing, you can actually find yourself being surprised. Truly! So I shall venture days in pretense and let me take pleasure of not knowing what is to come. I want to extract all from everything.

Small.

So I watched "Eat Pray Love" and I thought it to be really good. Also, inspiring. A few days of adventure and self searching is nice, but a whole year! Now that is amazing. Maybe I should sign a contract with myself that I should attempt doing such as what Elizabeth did and see where I head, and see what I might learn about life, and myself. It really must be wonderful to spend much time discovering creation rather than building a foundation. Just 3 days alone and the heart sees differently, yet alone a year. I can only imagine. I can try. What could she have felt making that first decision of leaving everything behind. It is not easy and for that, a big salute to her. I have got to read her book.

On a side note, as our palms, so are relationships. We tend to cross lines thinking we're permitted to, or simply not knowing at all, but this I feel all should know. One's life comes to a line halting the next. We do not force decisions for others as we do not want another to rule our lives. So we do not cross lines which borders another's life for we simply can't, for we simply should not. Unless of course, we're given full permission to do so. Them who judge, whether consciously or not, be judged themselves. As for the tongue come pass, no more will it be the same. Our minds, be it.

Figurines.

I tried, I really did. They're not showing support in any way. In fact, they're luring me to the opposite direction of where I'm heading. It's sad really that people are as you expect them to be, with no exceptions. How do I do this I wonder? Go radical or give up. These are my options right now, and I have till tomorrow to make my choice.

"People are as I expect them to be, certainly with no exceptions."

As I was sitting in the moving bus, I reminisced. Houses, rainbow, action figure, box, basin, bus, stairs, TV, drink, fly, fireworks, hall, friends, school, tree, family, maid, noodles. These are just a few prominent words of images that came to mind. They may seem random but they mean a lot to me. They mean life; for they were my earliest memories, my upbringing. How wonderful they were, memories are.

Need more time off again. To think, to reflect, to understand. So, hopefully plans of camping by the beach will come to past this week.

Tables Wedge.

Sounds nicer that way. Maybe.

Well, I've been doing some reading on healthy living and am driven to try being a vegetarian. I will succeed if given the chance but currently, living with a meat-loving family makes it difficult. Nevertheless, I shall pass bouts of influence and see whether they will succumb to my choice of lifestyle. Perhaps when I start living on my own should I then attempt to be a vegan.

Which leads to this, I'm considering an all independent living. The salary I'm earning should probably provide me with the extras to save, inclusive of shelter, food, and entertainment. I dream and had lived some dreams. We think we may like it having what we want, but only when we be at the moment of living that want, that we truly know what it feels like having the want in the first place, and of most times, it is not as how we expect it to be. Right now, I dream a life of solitude for I see the peace and joy that comes from it. I might not like it when I actually have this dream come true, but for now, I want it. Perhaps I should make a list.

Listings. A whole lot on it. It pleases me seeing items getting crossed off it. Living how I see fit with less to without external influence.

Heck, Busted!

Oh well, it moves when it stays. Nothing much that can be done about it. Denial comes for the weak, brought upon them who disregard their selves. I won't deny if that moment occurs.

"Be a man!" says Russell Peters in one of his acts, thus, a heart of lion shall I take on.

Given the chance (I ask for one too many), certainly would I no longer wish being placed in situations as such which is felt currently. But not many have the courage to do fully that they wish to do because the many now are made up of a society fearing bunch.

I think I have learned, through many attempts, the art of enjoying instantaneous happiness.

Yet again once more, I miss the rocks, the sea, the beauty, the perfection of nature, very much.

Being.

I'm missing it very much. That one moment on the rocks where perfection was the view to my eyes. As the sun ticks the moment's last, I can remember myself being in the rush to leave as I did not want to witness the end of such a perfect moment. I had feel that it would have been much easier to just walk away fast without turning back than to say goodbye to momentary happiness. For even happiness though short, will soon leave because joy robs energy one has for life. When much of this energy is taken for happiness without leaving time for it to be replenished, one simply spends too much, leaving the remaining time to be burdensome and filled with the opposite. She taught me a lot. Nature, she teaches if only we're willing to listen. I wasn't ready to listen but whats spoken cannot be retrieved. Now that I've heard, I want more of it, but more can't come because more has to be seek. Thus my mind had been made up, that once of every month, I shall seek. The more you know, the more you want to know because you feel the least of knowing. I feel the least of knowing. I feel as if I don't know and I thought I had known but actually I don't. Truly as we ask ourselves of what we really want in life, we're speaking not from our own minds, but from a mind tainted of life's experiences. I wish to know more for this being is much more than education and ambition. Much more, is this being.

Green & Bus.

She was sitting by the window when I walked in.

A long time ago it had been but still,

She's still there, or here.

Maybe.

Walk Less Talk.

Upon knowing I would have 3 days off, I packed my bag, white lied past my parents, and took the bus up north to an island. I spent my days trying my best to be silent because that was what I wanted for this trip. Only when one's lips are sealed will thoughts be allowed to run freely, at least for me that is. Unfortunately yet blessed me, I became friends with a tourist, an Iranian whom I have met on the bus ride to the island. I had the first day for myself because we went our separate ways but the following two days we spent together by the beach. I enjoyed the moments of my solitude but his company was joyful too because I would not have experience the beautiful setting of the sun if so happen we did not decide to climb the rocks. Overall, the journey was a very meaningful one to me for I had discovered many things about myself, and also generally about life. Ralph was absolutely right, just once would get you hook on  to go for again and again. Rarely will you find people who would like travelling solo but I guess it is how and why one does it.

Procrastination.

Dammit! Curses to the internet for its wonders and beauty that one can't help but to just linger on its spaces. I have much to do yet have been procrastinating roaming on sites of the web. I know that as time passes by, I regret more because not only that my work remains undone, the stress piles up like whatever you can imagine being piled up. I so very much enjoyed the time when the internet at home had a down time. I could not use it for about two weeks and I can remember that that very two weeks had been very productive. I read several books and could do many things that I usually don't do because of spending too much time checking stupid notifications. Maybe it is time again that I shut down all my accounts so as to allow me to prevent myself from wasting too much time. It is a waste of time! I don't see the importance of 'getting connected' virtually because most go about minding their own vain businesses to not care about others. There is no connection in the first place except the filling of that lonely void in the heart that requires a notification to engage specialty. What have this generation become to depend so solely on being together but yet, never really together in heart. The fake fair disgusts me but I can't help but be a part of it. It has become a lifestyle. Probably to evolve into something much more less meaningful in the future. Now I regret wasting time here for I have loads to do. Ta!

Sayings.

Don't know where to start but I'll try, so here goes:

Work is fun. People are tolerable, well most of them at least. Most are nice, a tiny bit not. Have got a lot to do to prepare myself to take the huge forward step. Besides, all is good. The different bits of hidden characteristics are slowly coming out, so it is getting easy to identify the whats and the not.

100% agreeing with the saying 'respect is earned'. Some people are wondering why I treat them so bad yet I  remain silent. Nobody should expect cherries and kisses when they serve shit as a host. I feel sorry for these people for I also agree with the saying 'bitterness in the heart is shown on the face'. I walk around and I stare at them, waiting. They can smile, yes they can, but in splits of moments, you get to see their real faces which most of times resemble a face with a rotten fish by its nose. They should very much understand that not one action done, is without a consequence, and the consequence is to be faced, make it good or bad.

Shalini shared me a lesson that was taught during her school's Christian Fellowship meeting. I found it to be such a blessed revelation of how speaking in tongues can be very powerful as one concentrates upon the promises and the word of God. I am even grateful that I have seen its power in my life. Hallelujah, thank God!

Another agreeable saying is that 'one should not be living neither in the past nor future, for now is here.' We get nothing worrying about the future and living the past's regrets. Today's problem is to be dealt with with today's mind and not the mind of yesterday and tomorrow. When one concentrates on time, acknowledging the present, one's living would be very much fulfilling and pleasurable for even difficulties come taste sweet.

Need to do more reading and sightseeing. Ta!

Beliefs?

So the things which exist in this world supposedly said to have a role in one's life. How and why? Science has its limits but I wonder on the existence beyond the limits. Everything else which is unheard, unseen, and impossible to prove but can be recorded and observed in a pattern like structure. It amazes me of its accuracy but nonetheless, the gap of doubt is at large. Can this impossible wisdom be mastered and be applied to make living easy?

One Thousand Words.

A specific person comes to mind. How annoying he can be, and how much fascinated hatred I have against him. Disrespecting privacies doing as he please all in the wrong name. I hate people as such. Thinking they have the upper hand of doing all they wish because they believe it to be right. Because of people as such, I can dare say that the primary objective of their thought-to-be-good doings had turned around. I, as an example, am a case of being turned around and as I am finding myself heading down to where I came from, my contempt for them grows. Public display of a captured personal moment is a hard sin one commits to another. First up, when such a moment occurs, the victim is never always aware of such a capture else it will not occur in the first place for the victim will be against it. Damnation! I feel so angry for I am being let down, being strayed away because of simply a few stubborn headed fucks. Truth be told, that probably could be the main reason yet it could not be too. I curse the fact the younger generations are being brought up thinking the action to be fine. Well, I can only smile and sidestep their lives.

Damn!

The only word I seem to be repeating over and over again.

First of all, the drama is intense! Even if it is not about me, I get scared even thinking about the possibilities that can arise to include me. So thick the stench of hatred and revenge that my nose itches at the thought of it. What could have been the cause? Most importantly, whose fault is it? I don't know really as I have not heard the complete story from both sides. However, the thought that I could be dragged in this somewhat eternal warfare scares me. Whose side should I take? I certainly can't apply neutrality if ever I am to be in the battle. I don't know what to do. My heart goes out for both parties but still myself remains unaware of the proper approach to be taken. As far as I have learned, being myself and to keep it up at it will be the best justification in time to come to reason out my faults. I ache to know that one side is to be punished in what I see to be brutality to the soul, and I ache to understand the feeling the other side has. Gosh is this difficult! I wish I could be standing in the circle instead of on its edges so that I can study the full consequence of the matter and to pinch the experience along. God I pray I will not be involved or chances are, I will have to start digging my grave. However, I will not regret the actions I had taken though they may be wrong. Life is only one time, fuck and embrace the mistakes made.

What is there to be said? I thought I knew me but I guess I really don't. Since the start of work, I am beginning to lose the work I had placed much effort in these past few months. The work of getting to know myself better. As just as I was about diving into the depths of me, the drainage of energy that work takes out of me is tremendous and I had to resurface. My mind is unable to wander for now. When one tries uncovering oneself, one must face thoughts of all sorts, including those which can lead to depression. I hope that my effort  will not be in vain but at least save me the least bit of knowledge. I shamed myself in the trial I failed to converse today. What have become of me, and what is to become?

Damn. Should standards be raised and skin be thicken? I feel so because that appears to ensure happiness in my state.

My Unreality.

Not here today but over at Misery's. A bit too personal? 

In Between.

I had a full day today. Was tired through most of what I did but I pushed it through wanting to make the best out of it. I wish everyday would be as such. To have enjoyed and to have lived life was what I did today, which also happens to be my motto of living: to live life as it is. Purpose is nice, but can be ignored if everyday were to be meaningful. As I see myself now, the people I am connected with, the life I have been leading, knowing I had touched and have been touched in return; it is all too beautiful. Right now, before the screen, I am feeling contentment, a whole contentment on every bit of my life. It came by as I realized that I could do without my desires, I could do without perfections, I could do with hurt, and I could do with life. I accepted life and it rewarded my acceptance with this joy. How long this feeling would last, I do not know and I couldn't care less because I am glad to have even experienced it. To top it all off, the revelation is something practical that can be reachieved. Am tired and shall call it a day... a good day! Time says 10:48PM. Ta!

Sweet Sweet Times

Sigh. Just had a go through with Azril's 'High School Memories' photo album. As I recall each picture that I am familiarized with, I get sad inside thinking that those moments will never ever come back, neither can they be recreated. Fuck... how depressing it is to be filled with such thoughts. The crave of wanting more happy moments as how we had back then, this time, hoping that it would last longer and to never be forgotten. The friends... the bonds we shared between us. I miss those times. The times we used to have fun out of the simplest things, doing all the crazy things that we used to do, the pictures we used to take, the stuff we used to talk about. We were innocent back then but we enjoyed the idea of thinking naughty and acting mean. The joy of wearing a faded t-shirt and worn out jeans with dirty white school shoes to KL without even feeling ashamed or uncomfortable because we were too confident and at ease at the presence of each other. No where near were we concerned of our appearances except for the fact that wearing our uniforms could have possibly had the bus driver chasing us away from boarding the bus. I miss you guys. I extremely hate it how time took beauty and innocence away from us. The closeness you and I had still is beautiful in my eyes. How we could spend hours on the phone talking about life, crushes, friends, others, and laugh about sex. Among my biggest regret in life was to have caused you to leave me. I miss you dearly and I really love you as a friend. I would kill to have you in my life back again. Not just you, but the rest of ya`ll. To relive every bit of memory, and to be together once more. Though I spend time wishing and hoping, I know that those moments are but memories now and though we may be apart from one another, we shall always be connected in one way or another as we had touched each others' lives. I regret never to have expressed my appreciation and love for you, my friends.

Just To Stress Out

There exist stupid people in this world that you just don't want to be with them. They believe they own you, making the choices for you, and disliking it if you go against them. To people as such, I can only tell you to dig a hole in the ground as lengthy as you are, spare a few inches, and bury yourself. The world, my world at least, would be better off without such people. These are such of the stands that I am making and taking for the sake of my personal gain. Being around people as such, who expects a ton from you, yet giving no space for mistakes, can frustrate your mind and your soul. I hate the discomfort after a conversation with such people. They are not worth my time as the end product of the conversation are just hurt and damnation. At least if the end of a conversation leaves me alone feeling the discomfort, while the other is comforted, then I guess the sacrifice would be of worth. Else, no way in hell and I am to avoid such people.

Many without prior understanding or knowledge would have had it nicely and could even have thought it to be good but I, knowing, with an understanding of my own, felt otherwise. To lay out a matter as such is as personal as seeing a person in his or her nude. To enforce an outward expectation of acceptance of such an idea is rape in my opinion. People are finite yet some believe they're infinite based on the knowledge they think is sufficient for all to apply, and for all life to be in coherent to as such as theirs. I wish a respect of opinions would be rooted in such people for when an opposing personnel comes in the picture, friction and the support received would bring nothing but a hating disaster. I hope my mind is rooted too, to the fact that I don't know it all.

Dots.

Follow ups:

The girl who tends to behave inappropriately at work place is now much tolerable after I taught myself to accept her and to understand her.

I still am unable to listen to complains at the extreme so I tend to back away from conversations that might possibly lead to such sessions.

I am not thinking enough because my actions are still very much out of control of what I would want them to be.

I am discovering the various sides of my newly made colleagues. I dislike the fact that they treat me like an adolescent because of my age. Besides, I think I also do tend to behave like one at uncontrolled times (refer the top statement) so I should actually blame myself for it.

Well, life moves on and matters should be taken into fixations. 


I am beginning to learn much more about life and with such knowledge comes great power.


Overall view of people is that they differ from each other, as to how acceptance is to be crucial.

Quotes Copied From Priya's FB.

I tell you this story because I was raised the Chinese way. I was taught to desire nothing, to swallow other people's misery, and to eat my own bitterness. And even though I taught my daughter the opposite, still she came out the same way. Maybe it is because she was born to me and she was born a girl, and I was born to my mother and I was born a girl, all of us like stairs, one step after another, going up, going down, but always going the same way.
-An Mei

That bad crab, only you tried to take it. Everybody else wanted best quality. You, your thinking is different. Waverly took best-quality crab. You took worst, because you have best-quality heart. You have style no one can teach. Must be born this way.
-Su Yuan
... The Joy Luck Club

Achilles: You're still my enemy in the morning.
Priam: You're still my enemy tonight. But even enemies can show respect.

Messenger Boy: Are the stories true? They say your mother was an immortal godess. They say you can't be killed.
Achilles: I wouldn't be bothering with the shield then, would I?
Messenger Boy: The Thesselonian you're fighting... he's the biggest man i've ever seen. I wouldn't want to fight him.
Achilles: Thats why no one will remember your name.

You can never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view...until you crawl into his skin and walk around in it..'
-Atticus Finch (To Kill A Mocking Bird)

You either die a hero or you live long enough to see yourself become the villain.
-Harvey Dent

Let me get this straight: You think that your client, one of the wealthiest, most powerful men in the world, is secretly a vigilante who spends his nights beating criminals to a pulp with his bare hands. And your plan is to blackmail this person? Good luck.
-Lucius Fox

Bruce Wayne: People are dying, Alfred. What would you have me do?
Alfred Pennyworth: Endure, Master Wayne. Take it. They'll hate you for it, but that's the point of Batman, he can be the outcast. He can make the choice that no one else can make, the right choice.

Sometimes,the truth isn't good enough, sometimes people deserve more. Sometimes people deserve to have their faith rewarded.
-The Batman

Madness,as you know, is like gravity,..all it takes,is a little push
-The Joker

Scales of Justice.

What do we do with the truth? Does it not depend on the fact it represents? What do we do with the truth we feel people have the right to know? What do we do with the truth people have entrusted us with? What rights do people have of knowing the truth? What defines a right? When a truth, as like most other truths can hurt mans' ego, and is capable of tearing someone down, do we still share the truth? What is the boundary between truths that can be shared and not be shared? Remembering all the same that truths should be for all, why do we still choose to not express it? What do you think happens when an entrusted truth is shared out openly? Will not trust be betrayed? As trust is betrayed, will not truth hide itself from the public ear? When that happens, will not the world be out of sync with peace? Some ideas here are products of a class I had once taken. The world as we live in is of minimum trust. It is a wonder, that an unspoken, perhaps unaware fear, dense the atmosphere. Without trust, how can there be communication? Not interaction as the one which applies in our daily life, but the one which is the block builder of all relationships. When one breaks trusts, one breaks the walls of the relationship. The whole that had taken time and energy to build, crumples down with ease within the very second. People who handle the truth others had entrusted them with without much care should be punished severely in my opinion, though they will be eventually; one way or another. Perhaps the truth that people should know, truths that empower goodness in one's life, should be shared without hesitation. However, though I trust my instinct when it comes in delivering truths that may possibly hurt a person even if it to be beneficial, I wish that there exist a guideline into doing so. I believe anything can be mended with grace and forgiveness, but not broken trust. Maybe it can, just much less in my case.

Disembodiment.

I feel awkward at times of how things turn out to be. I wonder whether there is such a thing as complete control of one's self. There are moments of situations where we join the current of society and get carried away doing what others do, following and perhaps adding on to their actions. I humiliate myself at most times of such encounters. Perhaps the genesis of self control lies in the mind. What one regrets, is basely an act that one didn't think through clearly. Having said that, I now realize that I haven't been thinking my actions thoroughly enough before doing them. However, how does one change a habit that one is accustomed to? Like for instance, I often do these antics that seem crazy and random, with the success of getting the 'look' from people and also unwanted remarks. Then I think to myself, why did I just do that or why the heck did I just say that (if it was words that I had spoken instead of actions) ? It is as though for a temporary moment, my soul had disembodied me leading to an act out of pure stupidity. I pray moments as such never stop but come much less. If they stop, I'd then appear completely robotic and somewhat freaky. An act to be avoided cause then more 'looks' would be attracted.

I feel the need to be in pursuit of romance again as I find that passion comes at most in times of love. The working environment doesn't help in assisting me to meet the right one. Everybody comes and go so formally that the norm is too thick to be cut. Besides being young at such a place only attracts the opposite of my intentions. I feel glad to be the only one (or so I think) being under twenty in the entire building. I even laugh at myself knowing that I am carrying values supposedly to be left at school. When I see these elderly people, I nod my head in respect and smile, and am only a thought away to saying "Good morning teacher." Coming back, love, I find it around people and so seldom in them. My love I mean, for everyone yes, but for a certain someone, no. Certain someone, do come fast please!

WTF

Acronyms make good titles.

Well, today was a tad bit stressful for me and very depressing. As I can be a very sensitive person, harsh speeches upon me is just as bad as a slap across the face. There is a girl in the office who is very immature and lacks self control. Her words are sharp, her actions reckless, portraying her to be the most difficult person anyone can ever handle. I know that it is unfair of me to speak of her behind her back but that is the reality of whats going on. I know of her past, I know of her struggles, and I'm beginning to be aware of what a mean person I actually am by saying all this. I am supposed to be empathetic. I am supposedly great in acceptance. So shall I be. I shall forgive, forget, and consult. That's that.

Then there is this other who speaks without cease of anything that is against their own personal ideas, which bugs me. I can listen if a ear is needed, in fact, I like to listen. I could even say that I love listening. Well now that I have made myself clear of that point, I have to contradict me. Not for the first time, I got so fucking fed up of hearing complains that go on and on as if the world has no end. Wait, I am not saying that I don't like hearing complains because I believe in listening to all that one has to say as it is a vital step in understanding a person better. However, this person dramatizes complains as though it to be a stage play for the millions. The top paragraph need not be necessary if I didn't hear what I heard. Immediately after each word, I got more and more depressed, even till now. Probably it could be my fatigue mix frustration but all the same, I am pissed and bothered. I feel negative energy creeping on my skin which needs to be rid off before I fall back into another bout of depression. Forgive and forget I shall do, meditate upon peace that God can bring.

I just read a friend's status on Facebook that gives the idea of not thinking of one's problems to be big as others can have bigger problems. I disagree this entire statement. First of all, one should not think of a problem as to be big because no problem is big in general. Believing in the bible, what we are given, we are capable of handling. Why would we be given matters that we cannot handle? This is a topic that raises questions on every aspect imaginable, which I can think of many but unable to cover them all. First of, the human mind is complex but brilliant in every single way. Darwin would probably say that all creatures have natural survival instincts including man which I cannot agree more. This natural state along with the complexity of the auto functions of the mind, as say, the subconscious, is a cunning tool to overcome any challenges or problems that one may face. The question however is whether we choose to face the problem, or better still, whether we choose to accept knowing we can face it. Seeing it this way, no problem is big. It gets big when emotions tire us down or when we so mindfully compare our life with others. Another idea in the statement says to compare problems with those whom they think have greater ones to allow their personal problems seem smaller. Lets begin it this way, why compare in the first place? Us human live for ourselves but are responsible for each other. Our responsibility is not to compare but to care as each individual is set in this world for a specific purpose. The problems they face is an obstacle to their purpose, thus they face it knowing it simply to be a problem. Why should we label sizes to our problems when we should be seeing it only as problems? Every life is unique. What one may handle well, another can't. A starving African may handle hunger better than the rich, as the rich may handle politics better than the African. Nurture explains this. Thus labeling should be forbidden. I wish I could write this with more time on my hands, to allow me to research on materials and to allow my thoughts to race me an answer but unfortunately, I don't have much free time.

I want to write on different topics too but I'm dead tired. Time is 11:21PM. Ta!

PS: I have moved on over my former crush (yay me!) which means that it is time to scout again! Its about high time too that I be with someone for being single all this while had me losing the touch of being in a relationship.

OMG!

I think I could be on the brink of social warfare without even realizing my tracks getting here. I need to sleep this matter over and really think about it or I might be really doomed, and soon that is. Is it possible to support both sides of the battle? I used to think that it is indeed alright but now I am beginning to doubt that belief. It was as though I acted on a manner appeaser not caring the consequence. But, thinking back again, it wasn't my fault. Matters as such are rare and really unpredictable considering I knew not the proper facts. Far down the conversation did I then realize I was heading where I feel I am at now. I don't want to use this word, but fuck. Seriously. Right now the scene is just a peaceful meadow with sunshines, and butterflies and pretty pink flowers everywhere. There is a snake however at the far east side, and an eagle by the tree. If they are brought together, I fear my safety. Foolishly being the rabbit and befriending both the enemies, yet I regret not. My comfort has its limits. I believe it to be limitless but the vanity of others disallow me to exercise it to its extent. My my! I'm a soft cookie but with hard chocolate chips. I break but the broken pieces of me get stronger. I took this road, I shall travel this road. Outcome, whether horrifically bad or good, I'm still taking the experience with me. What don't break, will make. I'll double my concentration, tip toe carefully and pray for the best. I can either glide through, probably gluing fragments of others' unresolved matters or shatter and break my spine; which is all that I'm carefully not wanting to injure now: my name. However, truth be told, I thought meeting a complex being would be that of which that comes in a blue moon, but little did I know that they are all around. Why haven't I act sooner. Brilliant lives to explore. Hopefully in the midst of discovering, that which are broken, will be mended, and friendships reaffirmed. Wish me best, Ta!

Start of A New Life.

The moment the bus started moving, the music on my phone had shuffled to a Simple Plan track and it was one of those songs which has this rock like beat which makes you feel like jumping and tossing your head down up. I immediately felt the assurance that the day would be good as it started off with such a timely good kick. Arrived at the designated building about an hour later and I was all excited yet very much at peace. Then the day started off with the bosses and people in charge introducing themselves, followed by a brief induction on the general guidelines of the working environment. Quite a number of the bosses I will be answering to are from India and I took delight in hearing their accent. I'm just a bit afraid that if ever I make a mistake, and would be getting the lecture from them, I'd have a hard time keeping a straight face listening to them scold with their accent. In this department, we were told that we are the pioneering batch. Deep down, I was very pleased to hear that and am grateful for every bit of it. This means that I have indeed chosen the right job to start of with. This would be a huge stepping stone for future career plans as to be in the first batch of a newly started project is a fact worth boasting about in any resume. I feel quite proud of myself too that I happen to be the youngest person on the team. I was just telling dad that it was a miracle for me to have even gotten this job considering 'O' levels to be my highest education level and me being without any working experience (Starbucks not counted). The other newly hired colleagues of mine excluding Lydia and Sharon will be a great bunch worth discovering. Already have I noticed so many different personality traits that I can't wait to explore. After lunch, we were trained the basics and though the slight difficulty in understanding new terms, I think that I had managed to catch on fast. Only thing that bothered me the entire day was my sleepiness and hunger. I slept only for about two odd hours the previous night and ate nothing but two slices of pizza for the entire day, which happens to be the managers' treat for us, "Only for two-day ya!" accented Amit when we showed typical joy on getting free stuff.

What I realized when I got home as I allowed my thoughts to run is that this scene is sort of a wish come true. These past few months of coming in and out of depression had me wanting a new life to start over. Living today made me know just that. This is the very talked about working life. Life after this will be different before it hits plateau again. My lifestyle as I know it will be changed in the coming days as I get accustom to this new one. Hopefully all will be well. Boy I'm tired. Ta!