The only word I seem to be repeating over and over again.
First of all, the drama is intense! Even if it is not about me, I get scared even thinking about the possibilities that can arise to include me. So thick the stench of hatred and revenge that my nose itches at the thought of it. What could have been the cause? Most importantly, whose fault is it? I don't know really as I have not heard the complete story from both sides. However, the thought that I could be dragged in this somewhat eternal warfare scares me. Whose side should I take? I certainly can't apply neutrality if ever I am to be in the battle. I don't know what to do. My heart goes out for both parties but still myself remains unaware of the proper approach to be taken. As far as I have learned, being myself and to keep it up at it will be the best justification in time to come to reason out my faults. I ache to know that one side is to be punished in what I see to be brutality to the soul, and I ache to understand the feeling the other side has. Gosh is this difficult! I wish I could be standing in the circle instead of on its edges so that I can study the full consequence of the matter and to pinch the experience along. God I pray I will not be involved or chances are, I will have to start digging my grave. However, I will not regret the actions I had taken though they may be wrong. Life is only one time, fuck and embrace the mistakes made.
What is there to be said? I thought I knew me but I guess I really don't. Since the start of work, I am beginning to lose the work I had placed much effort in these past few months. The work of getting to know myself better. As just as I was about diving into the depths of me, the drainage of energy that work takes out of me is tremendous and I had to resurface. My mind is unable to wander for now. When one tries uncovering oneself, one must face thoughts of all sorts, including those which can lead to depression. I hope that my effort will not be in vain but at least save me the least bit of knowledge. I shamed myself in the trial I failed to converse today. What have become of me, and what is to become?
Damn. Should standards be raised and skin be thicken? I feel so because that appears to ensure happiness in my state.